Update

Hello,

This is an overall update for this year. Sorry that I haven’t blogged in a while. Many of you have followed me on the journey to get myself to Bethel. My heart was set on Bethel and nothing else. To say I was excited is to under sell what I was truly feeling. Bethel was the ANSWER to EVERYTHING I have been praying for. At Bethel I would get equipped, healed and be in a safe, loving and warm community. Would get to call Redding my new home and just have that breather away from everything in Australia that is intoxicating. My bags were packed in my mind and my heart was already halfway across the country. All that awaited was the finances and visa. Unfortunately the money didn’t come through. As much as I believe it was meant to be it wasnt. It was so hard to have to tell so many people that I wasn’t going anymore. My heart broke a little bit more each time I heard myself say, “I am not going to Bethel”. As time went on it has gotten easier. And now I can start to sort of see why God still has me in Australia. Many people are asking me whether I will go next year. My heart and mind draws a blank each time. I have no desire to go anymore. I have been open to God showing me but I have not received anything yet. My home church is beginning a school in March and I am leaning towards enrolling there.

The healing process is going really well. Have had two healing sessions and the results from that is unbelievable. For the first time in 29 years I felt and believed that my family really loves me. This has spiritually changed the dynamics in the family because my reactions and actions are so different. Looking forward to my next one which is in a week or so.

Currently still working as a Residential Care Worker. I strongly believe its time to move on, to where I dont know. Doing my best to just hold out until the end of the year. I am excited about 2012. Not only do I turn 30 but I just know God has so many promises for me. Its time to start travelling again and I really hope God sends me somewhere next year. Don’t really care where as long as its not India. Its just a nation I know I can’t do.

This really is a boring update. Don’t have that much exciting to tell you all. Looking forward to working on some writing pieces next year. The word for 2011 was “expect the unexpected”, cant wait to what God tells me my word for 2012 is. Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. Have an amazing Christmas and a fantastic New Year.

Lots and Lots of love but no hugs :p

 

It’s been a while

Its been a while since I have blogged, yeah its been a long while. It has also been a while since I have done many things. Right now I am currently not in the greatest of moods so this will probably sound very pessimistic. Why am I so down you ask? Family matters to put it in nice terms. Well its more than just family but that’s the root of it. There is always someone who has to really put me down. To constantly remind me of all my faults. In comparison to my siblings I am less ambitious but that’s because my passions and values are placed in other things. We all know that I am the most unfortunate female sibling in the attribute of physical appearances. That is something I have to struggle with and rise against since I was a child. And I don’t need a little comment every now and then reminding me of my imperfections. Honestly there isn’t even a pivotal moment to start that could help explain the 101 things wrong with my dysfunctional family. I am part of this family so that includes me.

Right now I am staring these flaws in the mirror. Oh I know when I shouldnt be reacting in a particular way or when I should have more voice and really stick up for myself. Sometimes to keep the peace, I say nothing, do nothing. Yet this has left me with many scars and even though im older now, my voice still doesn’t seem to be heard.  We all have individual and corporate issues we need to address and deal with. I am acknowledging these, even getting help for them. Each day I am aware that I have to do things differently. Yet everyone else is quick to remind me of what is exactly wrong with me. Basically they are being hypocrites and being particularly vicious. Something I have encountered from my family since I can remember. Some days are very painful, things they say and do puts weight on the ever issues I am dealing and facing with. Deep down I know I am broken and deeply hurt. And as the saying goes their treatment is adding ”insult to injury”. They make sly comments about how I go into my own little world. It’s a way I have dealt with many things over the years and now am I realising this. I am now working on this and I see when it’s going to rise up and I pull myself out of going down that road. Acknowledging and accepting it wasnt easy. And I wonder if I need a sign on top of my head that says “I AM WORKING ON IT LEAVE ME ALONE!”. Probably wont even make a difference. Comments are made about how I havent changed at all, so they say. I know those words are complete and utter lies. 

So here I am picking up the pieces doing my best to allow God to piece it altogether. I just want some days where I can breathe peacefully. Don’t want every time I step into my house to be reminded of why I am desperate  to run away from my family. As much as I would rather live without them. This sense of I owe them something is always knocking on my heart. That I can’t just leave its unfair to them and what they would feel because of this. How ironic that I’m worried about how they feel when they just shed shreds off me.

 

Follow the yellow brick road…

This is a journal entry from the day I was accepted into Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry.

18th Feb 2011

Don’t think I will ever forget this day. Forever its memory will be embedded into my heart. This morning I received an email from Bethel, it was an acceptance letter. Right now I am so overwhelmed with joy just at the thought that I am going to Redding. Finally I am launching out, finally I am stepping into something that will launch me into some sort of direction. Destiny activation! I can’t begin to tell you how this feels so right, this is what I am meant to be doing. I know that I know. From the beginning I have said that I am going AND now its OFFICIAL. God opened this door, He didn’t just let it be. He opened it, made it possible because its His best plan for me. Wow a desire of my heart coming to be. Dont ever forget the peace and joy you experienced today Lina due to the goodness and greatness of God. Its begun, the journey you have been praying to go on. I stood at the edge of the cliff and jumped but I didn’t fall. I soared like an eagle. I feel like I am about to encounter this very special path that God has created JUST for me. I breathe and feel so alive! Its part of me, its my destiny. I feel so complete now even though I know that this is but the start of it all. Wow I am going to Bethel, this is crazy! Such a big amazing incredible thing. Thank you Jesus that this is your will. I love you so much. Sometimes it seems like you’ve been waiting forever for something to come to pass. This is a living testimony that if you hold on, endure, believe and trust it really will happen. It’s like its finally my time and I don’t have to keep dreaming and wondering. And though I have gone through so much right up to this point, its been ALL WORTH IT! I can’t stop smiling. So free, so happy. Such an awesome day. Love you Abba Father.

Lina Negem

 

 

 

The power of love

The girl catches a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror she smiles and holds it. She begins to see the beauty and worth of who she is. Like a light being turned on her heart fills up with hope that not all is lost. That little child who was scared to face the world due to painful realities that existed in her heart, begins to shine. The power of Jesus is not to be underestimated. The power of love is not to be taken for granted. Freedom comes at a price but you must be willing to go through the journey. You must be willing to bring heaven down to earth, to fight for what belongs to you. Without grace, mercy and love there is no doubt I wouldn’t be able to stare at myself and be ok with who stares back. I smile because of Jesus because of His love and faith in me. He has held my hand when everyone else has let go. The desert was dry and the wilderness was horrible but I was never alone. Thank you Jesus, thank you for the power of your love. You have set me free.

 

It’s all in the process

This challenging road of daily life has taken my breath away. I am so amazed at how awesome God is each and every day. To fathom God is impossible He is a riddle. His goodness endures everything I struggle with and I can never lose with Jesus never. The Lord has just been speaking to me a lot the past couple of weeks and it brings so much peace and comfort. I really want to talk about the heart surgery that I have been dealing with for the past couple of months. Things have been really difficult especially with feeling like I have had no starting point. All I know was that I am messed up and I don’t know where it started and if it was going to end. The emotional rollercoaster was strong enough to undo me many times. Some days where really hard to find any good in them. I felt like my heart would never heal and it would continue to always hurt. What frustrated me the most was not knowing the root cause of all of this anguish. God is gentle and careful. I wanted him to lay down like a list for me. A checklist of what I need to deal with but that was my logic of managing the situation. But God knows what we need and how much we really can take. My heart and desire is to encourage anyone who is going through what seems like “open heart surgery”. The best thing you can do is reach out to someone who you trust and who you would like to walk this journey with you. It’s not easy don’t do it alone. I was very picky and careful with who I chose because I didn’t want to surround myself with people who didn’t understand and wouldn’t be of any help. As the days go by it does easier. God has been speaking to me this week alone about what my main issue is. And from that I can see all these other situations that have made that thing come into effect. God wants you whole. He wants your heart healed so that He can invade all of it and use all of it for His glory. God just wants you to no longer hurt. Just reach out to someone you can’t do this alone trust me.

When you are going through those moments where you are completely just overwhelmed and want to shut out the whole world. I want you to close your eyes and know that God is there with you. And if you are crying that the Son of Man is catching your tears. Tomorrow is a new day there is always HOPE! don’t give up, keep fighting.

 

Trying out new things

Hello my faithful blog readers! I promised you in my last blog that I would write more positive and happier things and I will deliver. Things are getting better and I am enjoying the journey to Bethel more and more. There is more peace and joy about the whole process. This week in particular I felt that God really wanted me to step out in faith in everything related to Bethel. The other day I started my visa application which is a very big step considering I don’t have the finances(yet) to show that I can support myself while in the U.S. And today I did something which I would consider HUGE! I started writing a support letter to give out to friends and family to see if anyone is interested in donating towards my studies at Bethel. Since I was accepted to the school I made it very clear to others that sending out letters to people would be by no means a way I would seek to get funds for Bethel. One of the reasons was because I didn’t feel led or thought it was necessary, until now. Today I woke up with complete peace to do that very thing. And two people alone today already have said I should write support letters without them knowing I have an intention to do so. Whether or not I even get a response I am not too fussed. It’s all about taking a step of faith and being obedient by doing all that I can. God doesn’t say if you step out in faith and obedience you will get the result you want. Things don’t alway pan out and plan out the way we imagine or expect. In fact I was pretty sure all the money I needed for Bethel was going to come through last month. It is ok when things don’t work out and its ok to try new things by stepping out in faith. The journey is the most exciting part and we can’t forget that. We are children of the Most High God and that is the blessing the most ultimate blessing of all.

God never starts something He never plans to fulfill or finish. Jesus Himself said on the cross, “it is finished”.

Let that joy inside you just burst out. Laugh your way into the blessings that are heading your way. Don’t let anxiety and fear cripple you as these things don’t come from God. Everytime I think about how this thing to Bethel seems almost impossible, the joy hits me right down in my soul. You can either laugh or cry the choice is yours. I know what I will be doing

Blessings

 

 

 

Pieces of me

As I sit in front of the computer to write this blog a little part of me hopes that my heart will start to unravel and reveal why it’s in such constant pain. I haven’t felt myself for a while & the more time goes on the more I feel less like me. My eyes turn to the bible hoping that in Gods book of hope, I too will find some hope for the answers I am seeking. When I was about nine or ten I had this beautiful white layered dress. It was my special princess dress and I wore it everywhere. The main reason I loved it so much is because every time I spun around I felt so precious and special. Right now I wish I still had the dress. That I could just put it on and spin around and all the hurt and pain would just leave me. I am not that little girl though anymore and I must learn to deal with what I am facing as an adult.

There are a couple of particular situations which I won’t go into which has left me feeling more isolated. Journeys are fun and this journey to Bethel is mine to take up and to learn and grow from. But it is hard when you feel alone in the journey. Even though there are people supporting & encouraging you, its hard to focus on that when particular others who should be supporting you aren’t. And it just reminds me about how I have felt so alone in most my journey’s in life. No one to look up to and no one to share wisdom with me. Sometimes I wish people could just see my heart so that they would care enough to press into my dreams with me.

I really need some serious restoration in my heart and in my life. God isn’t telling me to fix myself in a hurry. He is patiently leading me by still waters revealing to me His love. But I don’t know what to do in the meantime with this unhappiness and strong discouragement that I am feeling. It comes and goes and this week in fact has been one of the best of recent times. I wish I didn’t naturally read too much into people’s actions and conducts. That I could shut out that bit of me that gets affected by things people do or don’t do. That I could be secure enough in myself and who I am in Jesus to just NOT CARE! But I do care to an extent and it annoys me because of the injustice I feel by the way some people are. I stand for justice and truth so when situations happen that aren’t right, my heart wears itself on the line and my head can’t do anything about it.

It’s in the journey they say, all in the journey. I hope not all journeys are like this because I don’t think I can take much more. To all my blog readers, thank you for sticking by me and allowing me to share a piece of my heart.

More positive and encouraging blogs to come I PROMISE!

 

Randomness

Recently I found some things I had written last year. As I read them my eyes beamed with delight at the wonderful things I was reading. Words full of hope, faith and joy. I don’t know what happened to that person last year, I don’t know where she is. I wonder if that person is still me, am I still her? My heart is heavy and broken and each day is a struggle. My plan for each day is just to get through it just to turn my eyes on Jesus, focus on Him. Some days pass by and I realise that I haven’t even smiled or laughed. And I think how can I know who I am in Christ and know that Christ is in me, and I can’t smile. Its a contradiction its absolute madness I might as well hand the enemy my soul now. But in the midst of this chaotic battle God presses gently on my heart. He stands there before me and He tells me that it is ok. He is not judging me for how I feel but wants to join me. And this messes me up even more, this just wrecks me. His love blows my mind. Here I am being selfish avoiding the world because of my hurt. And God kindly asks me if He can join me? How can I say no to such a gentleman.  We spend our whole lives hoping, dreaming and waiting for that right person to come into our lives. We imagine our lives complete with another who completes us. We are all going to have this wonderful marriage where we both will serve God and our children will grow up to serve God. For a moment not even considering that the prince we dream of, exists already. That we bare His name on our heart and we utter it everyday with our lips, Jesus.

I don’t know where I am going with this blog most likely because I don’t know where I am going. Constant rollercoaster of flesh v spirit, spirit v flesh, flesh v flesh…its world war 3 in my heart AND ITS KILLING ME! I am so numb and yet I feel pain piercing into my heart. And I can’t scream out, I can’t cry. Jesus He sees what I am going through and He calls out to me. But I can not answer Him. I am too afraid to seek comfort in his arms and I don’t know why. My daddy will never leave me nor forsake me. I should be running to Him but I am not and I don’t know why. The main projects in my life Bethel preparation and inner healing are almost non-existent. My life feels like it’s just stopped I put myself in neutral gear and the gear stick is stuck.

Don’t even know the purpose of this blog anymore. I am just writing my heart away hoping that my heart will reveal to me what it has been hiding. Because I am sick of this sick, icky, cold, numb feelings. One day at a time, one moment at a time. Sorrow isn’t forever, joy follows in the morning, right?

Sigh!

 

The end of the road

The path is dark and eerie with no point of escape. Frustration and anger sets in seeping its way down to the bottom of my heart. I am lost and I don’t know my way out. How did I end up back on this path where there is no hope. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. The walls are closing in on me, I am suffocating. I try to run but it’s so dark I can’t see where I am going. Laughter, evil laughter coming from all directions. I can not save myself, I tried and I failed. My heart that I have worked so hard to protect resulted in only being broken. My tears keep falling and I feel all alone. The light, its gone, that sweet light. Shattered and hurt I let go of my dreams. There is no hope for my dreams now no hope for me. Wasting away like a herron addict, screaming out for the pain to leave. It’s cold and no one hears my violent scream for “help”. No one hears me. The path gets darker and with every step I am losing more of myself. I collapse on the ground helpless. I can’t go on anymore. Desperation has seeped in and I am beyond my ability to get through this. A cry from within echoes throughout the street, piercing into the night.

“I can’t do this! I need you Jesus. I surrender”.

Out of the dark shadow of nothingness a dim light appears. The light radiates throughout the darkness like a beaming flash of hope. I stand to my feet and I wipe away the last tear. Fear has left me. I am no longer alone. Jesus has come to my rescue.

Imagine those who don’t even know Him. What will they do when they reach this point also?

 

 

 

The Journey to Bethel

The journey to Bethel is sailing away and I must choose whether to get on board. Less then sixty-eight days till departure and nothing has been put in motion due to my finances. This is the exciting part because it’s either sink or swim. My faith is being pushed and it shall not be moved. God NEVER fails and He isn’t going to begin now. A fundraiser has been put in place for end of June and I am so excited to see what God is going to do through it. This is just a quick update to encourage you to hang in there. Jesus is going to come through and its going to be crazy good.

Update of situation will be posted after the fundraiser, yay God yay!